Last weekend, one of my great-nieces married her teenage beau. The happy couple asked me to officiate their wedding, and I was honored to do so.
The group picture with this post shows our family surrounding the bride and groom; we’re a pretty tight bunch! I could explain all of the levels, but that’s a thought to share another time. Actually, not all of us were at the wedding, which happens with a big family. We’ve been known to carry around a “Flat (insert name of missing person here)” on a family vacation or at least hold up a picture of the kid who’s somewhere else to make sure we’re all included for a photo that’s snapped almost every time we’re together.
I do know how lucky we are to have each other. Our parents, aunts, and uncles worked very hard to make us understand the values of family, and we’ve tried to do the same. There are both struggles and grace involved, but these relationships are valuable to all of us. That’s another thought to share for a different day as well.
For this time, I wanted to share the words I spoke to Cole and Elaine during their ceremony. Like my husband and me, our newlyweds met in high school. During their junior year, the two robotics-club kids went on a date after the Christmas parade and embarked on their adventure. Now as adults, they are excited for the next season of their lives in marriage. Maybe some of my words will be valuable for others to read as well.
To My Great and Her Husband
I can attest to both the beauty and trials of marrying your high school sweetheart, and I want to share a bit of what I’ve learned over the past 33 years. Make your intimate world of marriage a sanctuary and see this union as more precious and valuable than any career or other human relationship.
It doesn’t matter if you are experiencing a mountaintop moment where you can see wildflowers for miles or if you find yourselves in a dark valley. Your vows today form a new family, so you must recognize that you are no longer the high school or college couple just discovering your identities and searching for independence. You are now a complete unit within yourselves.
While you love the rest of us, too, your priority must be to God first and then each other. The secret is that while you are both accepting and adjusting to these new roles, those of us who love you are also adjusting. It’s easy for family and friends to still see you as young, inexperienced individuals who belong to us first, so you might have to remind us of your new status at times.
You can still do life well with the rest of us, helping to run errands, taking our advice, and spending time, but you have to set your boundaries and realize that you two are now connected in a new way. Step into this adult partnership of marriage, placing each other’s needs first, saying “no” to others when you need to, and realizing that you are the only two people in this marriage. You need to look to each other for decision-making, joy, and encouragement. Your communication with each other must mature with your marriage.
The best way to do this is to surrender to God and to each other.
Cole, please extend your hands, palms up. Now, Elaine, place your open hands, also palms up, on top of Cole’s. This is the picture of surrender that you will need. Closed fists show lack, fear of losing, and anger. Open palms facing up symbolize giving, plenty, and kindness. May you remember how you feel right now in this loving and generous stance. May you live out your vows in the coming years with your palms open and facing up toward God, willing to give to each other your very best so that together you can receive God’s leading to serve and love each other. Then as a family unit, you can serve and love others together.
I promise that your work of turning high school sweethearts into an old married couple is worth the effort.
Palms Photo Credit: Abby Belgin Photography
Lori Vandeventer 